First of all....there's absolutely NO creative inspiration in this post or even within sight so.....just sayin'.
I've been coming up here to my little creative studio....night after night....and finally tonight (after a few tears....seriously??? Why?) I still have nothing creative in my brain. I went downstairs to let Marley outside and I thought....Ok....I need to just get all this out of my brain and maybe that will help somehow. I have felt so guilty for not posting....not coming up with fun, creative ideas to share.....not being HERE. I know. THIS is not rocket science and this is definitely not the end all be all for those of you who (bless your hearts!) stop by my blog just to check in. I miss creating. It's like "candy" to me. I LOVE it SO much and I miss it. I thought I could at least explain what's going on and where my head and heart have been lately and maybe it will help (me at least... LOL....Feel free to click your mouse on over to a real inspirational blog at any time. I'll understand! :-) (Mom.....I know you'll read to the end....Thanks for loving me!)
Let's see....I guess the biggest of all the things on my little brain is dealing with the beast named autism. I know....I'm good for a long time and them WHAM!....it gets me again. It seems that this time it's kicked my butt harder than it has in a long time.
When Linz and Zach were little they were just "cute", little autistic kids....at school....at the store....at the family reunion....etc. Now....while they are still precious and happy, it is painstakingly obvious that they are now young adults and living with disabilities that I can not fix....and I hate that SO much. NOT for me.....but for THEM. I want them to have more. I want Linz to not be left at home everyday with no job to go to because no one will take a chance on her. I'm angry at Project SEARCH and at Didlake for not following through with all their "pie in the sky" promises of what she would receive. I never, ever thought MY child would be one of those "poor kids" (as we used to call them in the SpEd meetings) who would graduate and then be left with no where to belong. How did that happen?? What went wrong? No one sees her amazing resume and trusts that it's NOT just fluff. That it was most certainly NOT just "busy work" that she did at all of the jobs she's done at all FOUR libraries and at the hospital. She is amazingly gifted at clerical duties and at working in a library and yet day after day she's here....at home.... WHY?
She's truly a blessing to so many people and has SO much to give. It's nothing that I did. God created her in His image....not mine. He chose to give her the gifts that she possesses not me. She can do things that I can't. It's true!! She can. Unfortunately I have had to sit back and watch as she is left to flounder. I'm still fighting to find her a place in this world. I'll never ever stop. But I will say that lately my "mother's heart" hurts. It hurts because my children are truly gifts from God and if I don't fight for them....no one will. (ok...Mike will but you get what I mean)
I'm tired. Mentally and physically and I feel incredibly guilty for even uttering that phrase. I'm not asking for pity. I'm just trying to let you know where I am.....why my creativity has left me....and I'm just praying my way through.
I send Zach off to school every morning praying that he won't end up like this after his "extra" time in high school is over. He did graduate in June but is able to go back as a Super Senior until he's 22. He will be working on life skills this year and actually be working with the internship coordinator to try to build "marketable skills" like Linz did. I can't help but worry though. What if he ends up here like Linz. What if I have to quit my job because he can't stay alone. What if something happens to me and Mike.....What IF???
PLEASE don't misunderstand. My family is incredibly blessed beyond measure. We are!! I praise God daily for all the gifts He has bestowed upon us and I count my three beautiful kids right at the top of that list. I don't understand. I just don't. I don't know why autism is a part of our lives. I will probably NEVER understand. I just know that it's our reality and quite honestly it sucks out loud. But we are blessed. Things could be much worse. Believe me....I've had people "remind" me of that. "Oh, Michelle....It could be worse". Really? Do they think I don't know that?
I pray constantly for my children and that God will protect them and guide them and bless them with long, healthy lives. I just have to say that as I type this tonight....as I pour it all out here....I pray that God is going to renew my strength and show me the way to walk to best help our children. I know that He loves me and He loves them. I need, now more than ever, for Him to help me be the best that I can be for them.
So....for those of you who have listened to me ramble all the way to the bottom of the screen (Mom) I just want to tell you that I honestly treasure you......I treasure your friendship even if we've never met. I treasure your belief in me and my creativity. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for being an incredibly rich blessing in my life. Please know that I will create again soon. I miss it SO much. I will post again soon. I just needed to tell you where I've been.
Praying God's richest blessings for all of you, my friends,