"TV Tests" and Autism Fun....

Ok...definitely a day I'll remember for a long, long time....and laugh.  (NOW...I can laugh)
Today was definitely a day I'd been dreading since I found out that one of the requirements for Lindsay's new internship for this coming school year with Project SEARCH was to get both a TB test and a drug screening.  Oh, not that I thought she'd "fail" either....just the process of both had me shakin' in my boots.
You see Linz is definitely NOT a fan of any medical personnel....and she can smell them a MILE away.  I really can't say as I blame her.  When she was little she couldn't talk and couldn't speak up for herself and I know it must have been terrible to just be really upset to be at the doctor and not to be able to just say, "This really sucks!"  LOL  It was SO bad in fact that she would cry (a LOT) every time we even drove down the road BY the hospital.  (Incidentally...her internship is at....
Yep...you guessed it...PRINCE WILLIAM HOSPITAL)
We're working on it...trust me.  Now she doesn't cry anymore and she even loves to talk about the fact that I went there one day and she was born...etc.  She talks about the little yellow dress my Dad bought for her and brought to the hospital and that she was "so precious" when I took her home.  Oops...I digress...

So I knew that I had to take her and all her paperwork to PWH to get the TB test done and then go to another doctor's office in Old Town for the drug screening.  I told Mike weeks ago that I would be "out of town" the day HE took her for the TB test.  (He laughed....I wasn't kidding!)
So today was the day and he told me that he would take off and go with us.  (FYI...He's the BEST!)
So I didn't tell Linz until this morning that we had to go to see the doctor to get 2 tests done for her new "job".  I said, "You will get a TB test and then you have to take a cup with you to the bathroom and you'll have to..."  and she said, "Oh NO!"  I told her it would be fine....Dad and I will both take you there and stay with you so you don't have to be scared.  (This is where the mumbling started....)  
When she's upset...she mumbles...sometimes a little louder than others....

A little background info on Linz and needles at the doctor's office....

When she was younger....she had to have a booster shot and I had taken her to Kaiser by myself.  They had a special room where the nurses did the shots (smart docs...can't be held accountable with the kids!)  At that time Linz had been talking for a couple of years or so but she constantly repeated things from movies and videos.  Sometimes it was cute....and others....well.....
So I had her there...pinned down....wrapped up tight on my lap.... and the nurse was ready to give her the shot and Linz was crying REALLY loud.  All of a sudden she yells, "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!!  I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN!!!" (a line from Disney's "The Rescuers Down Under")  Yep....really funny now when I think about it......back then....um, not so much!  :-)

So...back to today... We got in the car and were heading to the hospital and she was still mumbling and getting pretty uneasy.  I knew she was nervous and upset but I was ready to just do it at this point.  As we were walking into the hospital she said, "Wait!  What are they going to ASK me about TV??  
What if I don't know the answer??"
Mike and I looked at each other and just cracked up!!  We assured her that it wasn't a TV test...it was a TB test....etc.  So....fast forward...After waiting for 1/2hour or so for her turn they finally called her name.  Right before we went back Mike was watching the news channel that was on looking kinda dazed and all of a sudden he leans over to me and (in a loud whisper) says, "OH CRAP!  Wait a minute!  Is this the TB test where they put a needle under the skin and make it bubble up???"  I looked at him and in my OUTSIDE VOICE said, "Um, DUH!!!"  I wish you could have seen his face!  Priceless!
I won't type his response...but I'm sure you can guess.

We both went back with her to have it done...she actually handled the procedure well and once the needle was out she was shaking SO hard and she said to the nurse, "I really think I'm going to have a heart attack!  Can I go home now?"  And that was that.
\ WHEW! Check that box!  Now on to the "easy" test......Yeah right.
 Linz and I went into the other doctor's office alone since I was "sure" it wouldn't take long.  I purposely didn't let her use the restroom at the hospital because I didn't want her on "empty"!  So we headed back with the nurse and she handed Linz the cup and told her (a long list of instructions) things like...."you will urinate in this cup and when you are done do NOT flush the toilet...come back out here with your cup and then you can wash your hands out here at this sink...."  I looked at her and said, "Ok...she] IS autistic and she's got NO clue how to do this.  Can I go in with her??"  She said, "No ma'am.  This is a drug test and we have to be sure it's HER sample."  Okay, seriously??  Linz said, "I hate drugs.  Drugs are bad for you.  I don't like drugs.....on and on and on"  I said, "Fine."  So I went around with Linz and went over it all again
and she went in.....
And I waited.....................and waited...................
I knocked on the door and asked if she was ok.  "It's not working, Mom!"  I told her to keep trying.
...........and I waited..................  "You okay, Linz?"...............
Finally I went over to the nurse and plead my case and she let me go in with her (after confiscating my purse and cell phone....ok....whatever!)
So there I am....sitting on the floor of the bathroom...."holding the cup" (if you get my drift....)  and I tried to chat with her...be supportive....encouraging.....etc.  Nada   She said, "Mom, it's just not wor..."  and then....we were in the DARK!!!!  Yep, there I was with my hand in the toilet...under my daughter's bum and the freakin' lights went out!  Yep....what GENIUS decided they need those motion detector, energy saving light switches in THAT bathroom??  So there I was on the floor....waving my "free hand" way up in the air so that the darn light would come back on!!!!  Hey, it worked!  Let me just say that we did that routine for a very LONG time and still NADA.  So we left.....she drank a TON and I told Mike to just head for home and I'd drop he and Zach off and Linz and I would go back and surely by then she'd be "successful".  So we headed for home.  About a mile from home Linz said, "IT'S TIME!!  LET'S GO BACK!"  Being the great Dad that he is, Mike whipped that car around SO fast it would make your head spin!  He said, "Hang on sweetie!  We'll be there in a jiffy!"  All I could do at that point was laugh.  So we went back...  We headed straight back to the lab...I grabbed that cup and we ran into the bathroom.  She sat down....I was ready!!  ....and  NADA!  Oh, COME ON!  Really???  So I was still being encouraging...I turned on the faucet beside her and then.....she went!!!  WOOO HOOO!!!  Suffice it to say....we.had GREAT success!
She pretty much skipped out of that doctor's office!  Actually I did too!
On our way home she was so happy and chatty and she said, "Mom, I just wanna thank you for turning on that water to help me "tingle". " LOL!!!  
And that, my friends, is how we spent our morning.   *WHEW*


  1. That has got to be the most priceless story I've ever read, and one that will go down in the "Suit's Ultimate Family Memories" book. :-)

  2. Oh my gosh, I could just envision the whole scene in the bathroom an it had been in stitches!!!


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