Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Just some thoughts....

First of all....there's absolutely NO creative inspiration in this post or even within sight so.....just sayin'.

I've been coming up here to my little creative studio....night after night....and finally tonight (after a few tears....seriously??? Why?) I still have nothing creative in my brain.  I went downstairs to let Marley outside and I thought....Ok....I need to just get all this out of my brain and maybe that will help somehow.  I have felt so guilty for not posting....not coming up with fun, creative ideas to share.....not being HERE.  I know.  THIS is not rocket science and this is definitely not the end all be all for those of you who (bless your hearts!) stop by my blog just to check in.  I miss creating.  It's like "candy" to me.  I LOVE it SO much and I miss it.  I thought I could at least explain what's going on and where my head and heart have been lately and maybe it will help (me at least... LOL....Feel free to click your mouse on over to a real inspirational blog at any time.  I'll understand!  :-) (Mom.....I know you'll read to the end....Thanks for loving me!)

Let's see....I guess the biggest of all the things on my little brain is dealing with the beast named autism.  I know....I'm good for a long time and them WHAM!....it gets me again.  It seems that this time it's kicked my butt harder than it has in a long time.  

When Linz and Zach were little they were just "cute", little autistic kids....at school....at the store....at the family reunion....etc.  Now....while they are still precious and happy, it is painstakingly obvious that they are now young adults and living with disabilities that I can not fix....and I hate that SO much.  NOT for me.....but for THEM.  I want them to have more.  I want Linz to not be left at home everyday with no job to go to because no one will take a chance on her.  I'm angry at Project SEARCH and at Didlake for not following through with all their "pie in the sky" promises of what she would receive.  I never, ever thought MY child would be one of those "poor kids" (as we used to call them in the SpEd meetings) who would graduate and then be left with no where to belong.  How did that happen??  What went wrong?  No one sees her amazing resume and trusts that it's NOT just fluff.  That it was most certainly NOT just "busy work" that she did at all of the jobs she's done at all FOUR libraries and at the hospital.  She is amazingly gifted at clerical duties and at working in a library and yet day after day she's here....at home....  WHY?

She's truly a blessing to so many people and has SO much to give.  It's nothing that I did.  God created her in His image....not mine.  He chose to give her the gifts that she possesses not me.  She can do things that I can't.  It's true!!  She can.  Unfortunately I have had to sit back and watch as she is left to flounder.  I'm still fighting to find her a place in this world.  I'll never ever stop.  But I will say that lately my "mother's heart" hurts.  It hurts because my children are truly gifts from God and if I don't fight for them....no one will. (ok...Mike will but you get what I mean)  

I'm tired.  Mentally and physically and I feel incredibly guilty for even uttering that phrase.  I'm not asking for pity.  I'm just trying to let you know where I am.....why my creativity has left me....and I'm just praying my way through.

I send Zach off to school every morning praying that he won't end up like this after his "extra" time in high school is over.  He did graduate in June but is able to go back as a Super Senior until he's 22.  He will be working on life skills this year and actually be working with the internship coordinator to try to build "marketable skills" like Linz did.  I can't help but worry though.  What if he ends up here like Linz.  What if I have to quit my job because he can't stay alone.  What if something happens to me and Mike.....What IF???

PLEASE don't misunderstand. My family is incredibly blessed beyond measure.  We are!!  I praise God daily for all the gifts He has bestowed upon us and I count my three beautiful kids right at the top of that list.  I don't understand.  I just don't.  I don't know why autism is a part of our lives.  I will probably NEVER understand.  I just know that it's our reality and quite honestly it sucks out loud.   But we are blessed.  Things could be much worse. Believe me....I've had people "remind" me of that.  "Oh, Michelle....It could be worse".  Really?  Do they think I don't know that?

I pray constantly for my children and that God will protect them and guide them and bless them with long, healthy lives.  I just have to say that as I type this tonight....as I pour it all out here....I pray that God is going to renew my strength and show me the way to walk to best help our children.  I know that He loves me and He loves them.  I need, now more than ever, for Him to help me be the best that I can be for them.

So....for those of you who have listened to me ramble all the way to the bottom of the screen (Mom) I just want to tell you that I honestly treasure you......I treasure your friendship even if we've never met.   I treasure your belief in me and my creativity.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for being an incredibly rich blessing in my life.  Please know that I will create again soon.  I miss it SO much.  I will post again soon.  I just needed to tell you where I've been.

Praying God's richest blessings for all of you, my friends,
Michelle

15 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. I pray that your pain as a mother is eased and that your children are allowed the opportunity to fulfill their true potential.

    Tina
    aurathentic@gmail.com

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  2. You love your family no matter what, unfortunatly others outside your family dont view things in the same way and it can be very hurtful. Try and put these negative thoughts out of your head. Live your life the way it makes you all happy! Best wishes for all your futures. Sue x

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  3. Think positive. Don't give up. You can do it for your kids. I understood your feeling as I had been through as I am a deaf. Same thing with me that people didn't understand about deaf. I'm lucky that I have a job. People who I worked with were wonderful. They were very helpful that I couldn't hear. I can speak & read lips.

    Rebecca

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  4. The feelings of helplessness and fear in a Mother's heart are hard to overcome. God's plan does not always become clear, He Has a plan and it will be good.

    Keep your faith and His love will find you

    Becky

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  5. Love you! And praying for you that you will see some relief to your "mom's heartache' soon and that others eyes will be opened to the gift we know named Lindsay and Zach.

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  6. Hi Michelle....I am one of those that reads your blog and don't know you but I had to comment today. You asked WHY ...the reason is because you are the one who was meant to have these children. God knew YOU would be their advocate and you would care for these children in a way that other Moms might not have been able to. Not everyone can be the kind of Mom that you are. You a champion to each of them and their disability. Some might just let them sit at home and not worry about what if. You know your children can do so much more so please don't stop being their advocate no matter how insensitive and yes even cruel some people can be (just plain ignorance!) You are the advocate for autism like no other can be because you speak of the reality of being a parent and the joys and heartbreaks that accompany it. YOU are indeed blessed but so are your children and husband and all those that come into contact with you. Your love for them all shines through even when your heart aches.
    I'm personally glad you opened up and shared and it warms my heart tremendously to know there are parents like you....as a special education teacher I can assure you I've met many through the years that are not.
    God Bless You and give you strength.
    Denise

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  7. Hugs Michelle. I am an autism intervenor who has worked with children from the beginning of their school lives until graduation and I feel your pain. Not many people understand the gifts that many of these children have or see how they can be used so effectively in the work field. I agree with Denise's comments but I am so glad to see you have a pity party just for you. You need to vent and I for one totally understand your need to do that. I will always be here to listen so vent on my dear and thank you for sharing your story on this blog. I actually feel like I was right there at the graduation ceremony with you and feel that God is shining down on you. Remember, you are human.
    Irene

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  8. Many prayers and blessings be bestowed on you and your lovely family....of all the feelings we have, guilt seems to be the worst. Some things happen in life that we did not plan, or want but we go on and do the best we can while thanking God for all he has given us. We do not understand the why or how of all things...and we are not meant to....take comfort that so many people care about you and your family. I truly believe that something will open up for Linz....just keep believing and encouraging her. And most importantly...it is okay to get down mentally and spiritually..just don't stay there! You are only human and can only take so much..let the tears flow, scream and cry and get it out...then go on. Sending many hugs your way. :)

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  9. Having grown up with a special needs sister, I can relate to all of your most inner, heart-felt emotions. We do want so much for their lives to be positive and productive (which in most cases they are amazing so) but also for others to see our precious, God-sent angels as we see them... loving, valuable and able to do offer much to the world.

    I know you pray for God to reveal His plan for Linz and Zach and He will because He told us himself: "I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

    Know that my prayers are constantly upon you, Mike and your family. You are blessed and you are a blessing to all who know you as a friend!

    Denny

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  10. I feel your pain, and I'll be facing the same issues with my two children in a few short years. I, too, have been disappointed and believed in the words of those I thought were guiding us in the right direction, only to find out later it was just meaningless lip service. I still want to believe what those same "specialists" tell me today. I remember crying in meetings, praising them for their help. I now know that most of them are just doing their job, and they're so overwhelmed by their caseload, they make promises they can't keep, their motives vary for doing so.
    You need to vent your frustrations and worries. Holding them in would be detrimental to your health. Consider this time in your life as a learning experience, and when everything settles into place, share with others who will need your insight.
    Dennis' comments are so right! God has a plan, and has blessed you with your beautiful children for a reason. You will help them find a path in life, because God will always be by your side.
    Thanks for sharing your life with us!


    Sincerely,


    Marlene B.

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  11. These gals have said it all and I couldn't agree more. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a wonderful mother to these beautiful children. Karen T

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  12. Michelle,

    I am a person that reads your blog but we have never met. I find true inspiration from you, both creatively and as a strong woman! You are an amazing mom to amazing children. Your strength is indescribable. You are indeed entitled to be tired, and hurt and confused and sad! Stay strong and it is in God's hands and I think you are a wonderful person. I can tell you reading your blog has made me see my personal struggles in a differnt way, and I can pick myself up and dust off and go on, you have shown me that I can do it. Your cards and projects are amazing you will get your mojo back. Hang in there and we will all be here waiting and praying for you and your family!!

    Candi

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  13. I'm thinking of you and your precious family as you journey down these new pathways. God will carry you through in fulfillment of His greater plan. You are an inspiration to so many people through your love to Linz, Zach, and everyone else you meet. You are in my prayers. Hugs to you!

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  14. Dear Michelle, I so hope you feel better, now!!! (Blogs are such a wonderful thing!!! In more ways than one!)
    With all the things on your mind, I can see WHY your mojo is on hiatus. Mojo will come back, it always does.
    I am a sporatic reader, and LOVE your projects! I admire you and your family, for the fantastic job you've ALL done with the situation you have been given.
    I pray that the RIGHT person is just in the wings, to help your sweet Lindsey find her niche! I also pray that with her finding her niche, that in just the right time, it all will help when it comes Zach's time.
    Hang in there, Michelle! B R E A T H E~~!!!
    Sending you big cyber HUGS!
    SherryBee in AZ

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  15. Michelle - I am really late to this party, yet I feel compelled to stop being a lurker and leave you some love. I have enjoyed your blog for a long time now. I stumbled on you from stampin' connection or splitcoast one day.... your blog has touched my heart and given me hope. I have spent the last 23 years working with individuals with special needs, their families, and now monitoring the safety of persons who receive services in programs throughout our state.
    It has warmed my heart to hear your stories, see the photos of Linz and Zach and watch your many adventures from afar. I am grateful that you are Linz and Zach's mom and I hope that some light will come your way.
    (your upline and my upline are friends... so it feels like we are extended family.) Please take gentle care, always speak your mind, and know that you are loved!
    Meg from MN

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