Monday, April 23, 2012

Reality....

*Non Stampin' Related Post Alert*



I knew it was coming.  It's not like it was a surprise.  Seriously?  Why am I feeling this way?

We got a postcard in the mail letting us know our "remaining balance" on Zach's graduation collection order.....cap, gown, announcements, tassle...  Delivery date....Monday, April 23rd, 2012.  Ok.  Fine.

When we got home this afternoon he pulled the big box out of his backpack and left it on the table for me.  That's what he does.  Need a lunch check?  Leave agenda out for Mom.  Need  a form signed?  Leave it on the table for Mom.  Today, though, it was different.  That box contained more than just card stock with the school seal, a silky blue graduation cap and gown and a tassle with a shiny, gold "2012" dangling from it.  That box packed quite a punch.  In fact, it knocked the breath from my lungs.  Still....why?  Why?

W-H-Y

Three simple letters.  Three letters that seem like such a simple word.

Three letters that haunt me everyday.

Now I know that I've had SO many people say, "Oh, Michelle, you just can't ask yourself "why".  It will drive you crazy".  (short drive...hahaha)  Not to be disrespectful to those who've said it....but I kinda think at this point I've earned the right to ask "WHY?".  Haven't I?  No seriously.

I remember vividly the day I was laying on the table at my OB/GYN's office.  It was one of the very few appointments that Mike couldn't be there for.  He was on travel and he was extremely bummed to miss it.  .  Today was a different visit though.  After two girls I was waiting to find out if we'd be buying even more pink or.....maybe we'd be buying blue.  I'd been dreaming of what it would be like to hear that I was carrying the little boy who would grow up to be the apple of his daddy's eye.  There would be sports (like Mike never played...LOL), "boy" adventures, scouts, car stuff, and maybe...just maybe we'd have a VT Hokie just like his dad.  He'd probably be a geek...a nerd....analytical...funny...smart....and SO handsome.  We'd laughed at how different it would be having a boy after two frilly, little girls. 

I lay there holding my breath as they did the ultrasound and I remember the doctor saying, "Wow!  You see that?  It's like this little one is sitting on a glass top table and we're looking up from underneath.  Yep.  No mistaking THAT!  It's a BOY!"

A boy.  A boy?  Oh my word!!!  A BOY!  I remember crying as I told Mike later on the phone and I remember how thick his voice was.  No matter what he'd said....  he really had hoped for a boy deep down.  How blessed I felt that I was getting to carry the boy that would be one of the three greatest gifts we'd ever receive.  Zachary Michael Suit  (Mike didn't want a "Jr."  :-)  )

Fast forward 18 years......

Today I realized something.  I did get the BEST gift.  I got a boy who has grown up to be funny and smart, analytical and somewhat of a geek and he is definitely incredibly handsome (all 6' 6" of him).  We are indeed blessed beyond measure.  There's still a whole in my heart though at the "what if's" though.  Now you can throw stones at me and tell me I have no right to feel that way.  That's ok.  But I believe MY God.....the one who knew me (and you) before I was ever even conceived....who knows every single hair on my head (yep...the gray ones too)...He's strong enough to take whatever I can dish out.  He holds me in the palm of His hand and lets me be sad and mad and let's me ask "Why?".  It's ok.  He loves me anyway.

I know this more than any other truth there may be.  Do you know how much He loves me?  He loves me SO much that He entrusted me with three very precious gifts.  He loves me SO much that he entrusted me with two very real treasures who just happen to have autism.  Autism.

Ugh.  I'd never heard of it back on that day I lay on the table in that doctor's office.  Little did I know that God had other plans.  A different plan.  A scary plan.  A better plan?  Yes.

Today when I looked at the enclosure cards that will go in each of my son's graduation announcements, I ran my finger across the raised silver lettering...."Zachary Michael Suit"....  Wow.  How different I look at that now.  How proud I am to be his mother.  How blessed am I?

Mike got home from work and he saw the things on the table when he came in and walked over to see them.  We stood there together and he looked at each item.  He held up the announcement to read it and he smiled.  I saw him look at the name card.  I saw him run his finger over the lettering and I whispered, "I'm sorry".  He grabbed me and hugged me so tight and told me the words he's said before and I'm sure he'll tell me again.  "Don't say you're sorry".  With tears running down his cheeks he smiled and said, "We are SO blessed.  God gave us the perfect kids.  We've been blessed over and over and over by them.  Do I wish things were different?  Sometimes I do.  Not for us....mostly for them. I want to give them the world.  They deserve it.  We are so blessed and I love you and them beyond words".

I couldn't walk this walk without him.  So many of the special ed parents we've met through the years are now divorced.  The pressure was just too much.  Fortunately we've weathered many storms and come out stronger.  I'm sure there'll be more.  We can do this.  With God's help and by standing together....We can do this.

I am sad today because Zach isn't going to head off to college in the fall.....he won't be going to Virginia Tech like his Dad.....he won't be finding the love of HIS life there and building his own family.  That does hurt my heart.  I hurt but you know what....he doesn't.  He's SO happy.  He's SO proud of his class ring...his cap and gown....the tassle....all of it.  What joy there is in his heart. 

He WILL continue to grow (hopefully not UP!)....He'll continue to bless those who meet him....He'll continue to be our "little" boy and we feel God's love and His arms around us all.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with such a gift.  Thank you for loving me loving me when I ask "why".  I praise you and thank you for it all.

Blessings,
Michelle


5 comments:

  1. So beautifully written from your heart! And your words, both the wondering why and the blessings shared, has once again touched deep within my heart and caused a shedding of tears for both the sad and the joy you've expressed.

    Thank you my friend, and May God continue to bless you and your family beyond measure!

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  2. I just started following your blog recently because I love how creative you are.
    Today I have tears going down my cheek as I type this. What a heart warming story you wrote today. So beautifully written and so full of love.
    I am in a hurry this morning but something caught my eye and I started reading your post.
    God has blessed you with a wonderful family. More love shared then in many other families.
    I remember my daughter pregnant for her second child and she asked me "Would God give me another child with MD?" My reply was "He might but I will be there to help you."
    Her second child was not born with MD but he had a bilaterial cleft palete.
    So your words have such a special meaning to me and true understanding. God Bless you and your family. How proud you must be!!!

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  3. The word mother in the dictionary must have your name next to it. Your words brought tears to my eyes. God certainly blessed your children with you and your husband. What a loving expression of faith and the love your family shares. I pray for God's continued blessings to you and your family.

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  4. As mother to you and grandmother of yours and Mike's three beautiful children, I too have asked God "why"? The only answer I can get is that He chose you and Mike to be parents to three of His special messengers. He knew that they would need special love and attention from parents who loved Him and would see that Brittany, Lindsay and Zachary would be taught to love Him too. I know you and Mike want what is best for your children and you both have unselfishly sacrified to see that they have been given every opportunity to grow and mature into special adults. He didn't say the load would be easy but that He would help carry it for you. Dad and I are so very proud of you, Mike, Brittany, Lindsay and Zachary and we feel blessed beyond measure that God chose us to be your family. Zachary is growing more and more each day and we know that God's plan for him will be fulfilled because of the parents he has. Thank you for sharing your heart - it blesses me everytime I read your posts and I know it brings hope to other families. You and Mike are awesome parents and we love you both so much.

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  5. I just found your blog and this post brought tears to my eyes. How special! You never know what HE had planned for us. I pray that you will continue along His path and take the best care of your family. Congratulations to Zachery.

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