Sunday, September 11, 2011

"Thanks for being on my team."

Brittany 22, Lindsay, 20, Zachary 17

Today's post is one that's "Non Stamping"...and actually writing posts like this one is the reason I started my blog originally.  So....if you stopped by for stamping....check the "Blog Archives" section over there  ----->

I started blogging because I needed some place to pour out my thoughts and feelings about being a mom of three amazing kids.....two of which just happen to be autistic.  It was just for me....and I figured my mom would read it....that's about it.  Somehow it helps me purge all the gross feelings that sneak up on me when autism decides to kick my butt. 

So....Mom, if you're reading this....here's the latest from here.....

Since we found out that Lindsay was going to be involved in the awesome Project SEARCH program at the hospital we also discovered that 1. We needed to file for "legal guardianship" of her and 2. We needed to apply for SSI benefits for her through Social Security.  Um, excuse me....but I don't recall either of those chapters in the book What to Expect When You're Expecting

SSI will give Linz her own money...however small the amount might be....and we will help her learn how to manage her money, open a checking account, and maybe feel just a tad independent.  SSI will also take care of the $6,000 it costs for her to attend Project SEARCH and pay for the Job Coach.  So we received two questionnaire packets in the mail.  The first was to be filled out by Linz (yeah, right!) and the other was to be filled out by Mike and me.  I called and found out that we could "help" her fill her's out.  Note:  There was not a single question she could answer alone in the 11+ pages in her packet.  So tonight Mike and I sat at the dining room table and filled out all 22+ pages and it was truly painful.

Now let me just say that most of the parents of the kids that both Linz and Zach have gone through school with in special ed have either separated or divorced.  It's sad but it's a very real statistic unfortunately.  I mean what do you expect.  It's HARD....it's FRUSTRATING...and quite honestly IT SUCKS OUT LOUD.  Mike and I are definitely in the minority.  NOW....let me just say that we've had our bumps and bruises along the way.  We've cried together (mostly I've cried....he's held me)...we've laughed together.....we've lost sleep together....we've prayed together and we've most definitely asked "WHY??" together.  I know....some people say, "Well ALL parents go through hard times with their kids".  I'm not saying that they don't or that we are some special group of parents....BUT....I'm simply saying it's tough.  People also say (a LOT) "Well, God only gives these things to those He knows can handle them"...... um....I'm gonna have to bite my tongue on
that one.


So as we poured over the questions in those 22 pages tonight and second guessed our answers, I think know we both were grateful to be together in this.  Mike is a typical "guy".  He doesn't wear it all on his sleeve....not like me.  It's rare that you'll hear him talk about autism really.  He just deals with it and moves on.  He's my rock.  But tonight as we sat there talking about each and every question on those forms he stopped and looked up at me and I saw tears streaming down his cheeks and he said, "I love you more than anything and I'm so blessed to have you as my wife.  Thank you for being on my team".  Now I had been doing pretty well up until that point and hadn't let the tears flow but that pushed me right over the edge.  He always tells me things like, "You're an amazing Mom" and "Our kids are so lucky to have you and so am I" but I always....more often than not think to myself....."yeah, right".  No matter what people say...no matter what documentaries are made....no matter what research is done....I will say that I always have that burning question in my brain...."What did I do??"  I mean I'm their MOM.  Mom's are supposed to "fix" things".  I'm the one that carried them for nine months inside me.  I did what I was told to do.  I've loved them, nurtured them, fought for them.....but what could I have done differently.  That's a conversation that God and I have a LOT.  I'm sure He gets really tired of me asking. 

But for now....I will say that I'm very blessed to have three beautiful, smart, loving children who are ALL absolutely true blessings.  And I thank God every single day that He had the perfect man picked out for me.  One that would love me beyond words.....hold me when I cry...make me laugh so hard I can't breathe....be an amazing Dad to our kids....and be the best husband and "teammate" imaginable.

Blessings,

8 comments:

  1. As I read your words sharing all that you and Mike have faced regarding the raising of two autistic children, and how you both have been such a loving support to each other as you faced these challenges together, the first thing that came to my mind was the Scripture I Corinthians 13:13 - "And now these these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

    May God's blessing continue to shower abundantly upon you and and Mike, and upon your children! May Christ be seen in and through you both as a witness that "we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us."

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  2. It sounds like you guys are doing a wonderful job with three wonderful kids! ("Keep counting your blessings, one by one...it's through your tears that the smiles are won." -Micki)

    Following you now...and lifting you up in prayer each time God brings you to my mind.
    Love your blog! - Micki (#365)

    Visit me on the "Avenue of Art" located at: www.AvenueofArt.com

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  3. Dear Michelle. What a beautiful writer you are. I see God's grace and love over your family when you write about them. For He knows how to care for what belongs to Him, right. Not that because of that things get easier.. but His presence does make a difference. Bless you in this journey and enjoy the beauty in it.

    I added myself as a follower to your blog through SU Connection. You're welcome to take a peek at mine. here is the link: http://thepursuitofstampiness.blogspot.com
    I would love to have you visit and become a follower as well.:)
    Pss.. I haven't posted in a while. My camera broke down and we have been enjoying the summer. Winter will arrive soon again.. look forward to craft again and post.
    Bless your heart, Inky hugs, Pauline

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  4. hey there...found your blog through SCS and your adorable puppies, and continued scrolling for eye candy until i got to this post. i have a dear friend who has 3 children and the younger 2 are autistic. they are having to file for guardianship of their soon to be 18 year old son who has no language, and their 12 year old son also has absolutely no language. they do not know how long they will be able to keep their 18 year old in their home.

    thanks for sharing your feelings here amidst your cards.

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  5. New to your blog...and have been skimming through browsing the craft ideas...but more than that, I have been reading about your trials and adventures and triumphs through your children. I am amazed by the grace and calmness you seem to have. And I commend you for it. Thanks!!

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  8. I have to say I have 'bitten my tongue' a lot over the years when people say things like 'God only gives these special kids to people He knows that can take care of them" As that is not always the case.....and even if it was....still it's hard at times. But, I would not have it any other way now....my Granddaughter is one of the biggest blessings in my life and has taught me so much.

    THANK you so much for just telling it like it is....and sharing your day to day experiences!!! It's just nice to know someone else is out there that 'understands'.

    ReplyDelete