Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dear God, It's me again....

**Disclaimer**  This is mostly a post to purge all the things in my head and heart from today.  Not much pixiedust included.

I didn't go to sleep last night dreading today.  I didn't really think about it too much.  I mean I've known for 2 weeks that Zach's senior portrait sitting was today...July 7th - 12:15 - OHS.   Fine.  Once I was up and about this morning though I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut by a really BIG guy. 

I remember the day clearly that Britt had her portraits taken.  Cap and gown....fake diploma....the dreaded "drape" with the fake pearls.  I remember making sure that her "extra props", letter jacket, horseback riding gear etc. were all pressed, packed and ready to go.  I went with her and we had a great time laughing and just enjoying the excitement of all the festivities and promise that the next year...her senior year would hold.  I will cherish those memories forever.

With Linz it was fun.  It was fun helping her find just the right pink dress (of course) for her casual pics and hearing her excitement when she told the photographers that she was "officially" a senior now and she was going on the senior class trip to Disney World.  She didn't talk much about the graduation part of it but....I mean...Disney??  Come on!  I knew that she'd be returning to OHS the year after graduation as a "super senior" and I remember the feelings in my heart that  day and in the days that followed.  I just don't remember them being as paralyzingly painful as the ones I've had today.

Today Zach woke up and was really excited about going for the photos.  He came bouncing down the stairs like a bull in a china shop.  He said, "Good Morning Mom....Osbourn High School?"  In Zach speak that meant that he was asking if we were going to OHS today.  I told him that yes his picture time was 12:15 and I asked him if he was excited.  He simply said, "Yes".  For those of you who know us you know that we don't have "conversations" per se but that's about the extent of it.  He had a shower....shaved and got dressed and he was ready to go.  Meanwhile I was trying to iron his clothes to take and the tears began.  I can't ever show that I'm upset around Linz because she gets really upset to I spent a lot of time "ironing" upstairs. The reasons for the tears were many and quire varied.  I cried because of what won't ever be.  I know Mike and I reach milestones with Zach and Linz and while we are happy for who and where they are we mourn what could have been. 

We went to OHS and the sitting went amazingly well.  I can't wait to get the proofs in the mail because there were some awesome shots of my boy.  He'd never worn a shirt and tie before so today I got to see him in a whole new light.  I was the only mom there.  The kids all drove themselves and did their own thing.  I was the only mom who stood behind the photographer trying to say funny things that would make my son smile...help interpret for the photographers who would give general directions that Zach didn't quite understand.  It was fine.  I think I promised him everything from Chik fil A chocolate shakes to roller coaster rides at Disney.  It worked anyway.  You moms understand....you do whatcha gotta do.  Here's his ID card they printed out there.  It's not his best smile of the day but it's a great shot just the same.

Isn't he handsome??

Please understand that I DO get it.  I know that there are millions of parents who have MUCH bigger things to worry about....MUCH larger burdens to bear and I'm so grateful for all that we DO have.   I get it.  Honestly I do.  I'm not sure why I feel that I constantly need to say that...  I know that people will judge no matter what I say so there you have it.

Zach and Linz don't have friends.  They've never been invited to play at someone's house...Never been invited to a sleepover....Never had a crush or fallen in love (well except for Linz who is in "love" with a smurf right now)....Never had a date....Never had a first kiss....Never been able to drive.....Never played sports.....
and the list goes on and on.  When I hear other parents complaining about having to go to ANOTHER game or sitting through another recital or dance class I just want to tell them I'll trade with them for a little while.

 In the fall I sit in the stands in the cold and cheer for our Osbourn Eagles football team and wish that MY son could know that feeling on a Friday night.....out there with his team....pumped for a game....the thrill of victory....   Really being excited that a girl likes him and wanting so much to just ask her out.....looking forward to senior year because it means that deciding on a college is just around the corner.  Heck....I'd even take a good case of "senioritis".  Wanting to go to Virginia Tech like his dad....or maybe be a rebel and go to UVA just to make his dad squirm!

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan.  I don't know WHAT the plan is but I know that it just "is".  I know that God has never failed us.  I know that I am the mother of two autistic children for a reason.  Don't have a clue what that reason is but it's who I am.  Sometimes it feels like I'm in an AA meeting...."Hi, my name is Michelle and I'm the mom of two autistic children"....  It just is.  It's scary to think of all the instances in this world where we are all labeled, isn't it?

So today has been a hard day.  Tomorrow will be better.  It's a process and I'm still learning.  I'm grateful beyond words for my family and all the blessings that have been bestowed upon us.

For now...this is my prayer....

Dear God,


Thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for knowing that I'm the mama for the job.  Thank you for our 3 beautiful children and for all their unique qualities.  Thank you for showing me the things I need to do to be the best for them and for helping them achieve their dreams....whatever they may be.  Thank you for giving me strength and hope and for bringing the right people into our lives that we can be a blessing to and that will love us for who and what we are.  Thank you for forgiving me when I don't understand and make sure YOU know that I'm not happy and for loving me anyway.  Thank you for the peace that passes ALL understanding.  I know that we are all your children and I praise you for the gifts you have given us.  I know that YOU don't give labels.  You just love us.....warts and all.


Please protect my children and fill them with your love and joy.  I won't ask you for a "cure" or to "fix" them because in your eyes I know that they are perfect and were created in your image.  Thank you for giving them to me.


Amen.

1 comment:

  1. Michelle,
    I came across your blog through your beautiful disney card featured on My Crafty picks. I just wanted to share my words of encoragement today. Don't ever feel as if your children are not who God has intended them to be. I am sure they have touched lives that the average person could not touch and in a very special way! I cryed tears of joy because there is a momma who loves her children unconditionally as our Father in heaven loves us! I know from what I have read, your children are loved, cherished, adored, happy, content, beautiful, blessings, and are gifts from God! I pray that He touches your heart as you have touched my heart today!
    Blessing,
    Sharon Click
    foreverinhisgrip@aol.com

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