Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Dear Autism -

I've thought about writing you for quite some time. Last night I lay in bed thinking about something my daughter said to me....You know her. Quite well. She is such a joy. She is smart, creative, funny and has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met in my life. She can draw things she sees without even sketching them first. She loves music and is quite a jokester. She is getting ready to graduate from high school this June. What she does after that ...well, we're not sure yet.

Last night she saw a commercial on tv with this beautiful mother and her baby and she said to me, "Aw, that's so sweet. I wonder if I'll have a cute baby like that one day?" No....thanks to you.

Another person that I'm sure you know even more in depth is my son. He's 16....6'4"....and so handsome and kind. He smiles a lot and tries hard to say a few words to get his point across. He is an ACE at all things computer related and a whiz at video games. He can type faster than anyone I've ever seen. He loves to give hugs. I wish constantly that he could, if only for a few minutes, be able to have a conversation with me. Even if it's just to tell me that he thinks you SUCK too and how he wishes people would stop staring at him.

So, you may be asking why I'm telling you these things that you already know..... Well, I want you to know that YOU are a horrible, disgusting and ugly thing that has continually robbed my children of the people they may have become. Don't get me wrong..... YOU HAVEN'T WON.

You are there at times when I least expect it. You take my breath away when we have new realizations of things they can't enjoy like other kids their age. Will they ever have a first kiss...no. Will they ever drive...no. Will they ever have friends to do things with....not yet. Will my husband ever get to walk her down the aisle like her sister.....no. Will my son ever be able to really have a conversation so we can know what is is he's actually thinking.....no. No....no....NO! Still...YOU HAVEN'T WON!

Just when I think I'm ok....just when I think I've accepted all the pain you have inflicted in my mother's heart....I've mourned it and moved on......YOU come at me again with brand new things that cause me to mourn all over again. I lay awake at night at worry about what happens to my two autistic children if something should happen to me and my husband. Who will love them like WE do?

They have an incredible older sister who is in college right now. She IS and ALWAYS has been their BIGGEST fan and advocate. She has a bright future and I pray she knows how much they love her.

So....I want you to know that.you will NEVER win! You are NOT the end of their story....just the beginning. We know that God is in control of them....not you. He has a plan for them. They are both joys in our lives and you can NEVER take that away You were never invited into our family and we hate that you are ever present but you will NOT define our children and their futures. God will. We pray without ceasing that YOU, Autism, will one day be just a dark and nasty dream of the past and never rob families of their children ever again. It's NOT over. YOU HAVEN'T WON!

And you NEVER will.

3 comments:

  1. michelle, this note brought tears to my eyes. i think your family is awesome. you all are inspirations to everyone who knows you and lucky enough to spend time you. Your three children are precious and awfully lucky too! luv you!

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  2. Oh Michelle, what an amazing letter. I truly hope that one day that you will win this fight!

    Your family is such an inspiration!

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  3. Excellent post. So true.... Glad to meet you via Kelly's Korner! I have two kids with Autism, too. They are 10 and 5.

    Lisa @All That and a Box of Rocks
    Http://lisaschaffer.blogspot.com

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